There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS...................
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Roger, the computer guy, to come over. Roger clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless asked: "An ID ten T error?

What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
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GIRL’S DIARY

Saw John yesterday evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep."

BOY'S DIARY

Swans lost to Hawthorn. Still got a root though!
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Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"  
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A Rushed Marriage

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
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This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

"All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said,"Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular."

"That's right", exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again,"the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size36."

"There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn size 34 for years."

"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34."

The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!"
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It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."

He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of Urine.

He then talked at length about Diabetesmellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a Greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..."

By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw coloured fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.

The registrar then startled us.

He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger.

"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation."

We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing."

You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger - not like all you chaps.
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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
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Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.

"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said. "So the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"

"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"

"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private."

"What about you, Corporal?"

"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"

The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal.

Sergeant, how about you?"

"Tip of me dick to me balls, sah!"

"Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, sergeant?"

"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"
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A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
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A guy in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.

"Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank".

"Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off"

She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says

"Take out one of the bottles and drink it".

But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prises the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too" he demands.

She takes out another and drinks it as well.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.

"There," he says "it's not that fucking difficult is it!"
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I'm doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now",he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes."
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A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "Jesus is watching you!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a budgie, who pipes up again, "Jesus is watching you!"

"What's your name?" asks the burglar.

"Moses," the bird replied.

"What kind of an idiot would call a budgie Moses?"

"The same one who would call a rottweiler Jesus!"
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The Top Six Reasons Computers Are Female

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!
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The Department of Occupational Work Safety has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my arse is two persons at any one time, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrive sixth in line to ride my arse today, please take a number and wait your turn. Thank you.
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A single westie mum goes to the welfare office to register for child benefits.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "10", she answers.

"10???" says the welfare officer. "What are their names?" "Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig & Craig"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the westie chick "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout "CRAAIG,YER DINNER'S READY" or "CRAAIG GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?", says the perturbed welfare officer.

"That's easy," says the westie mum, "I just use their surnames".
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There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter... ten men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
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Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper.

"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...

I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."

"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
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Three men are sitting on a beach, One is a Texan wearing a Stetson. The second one's a Muslim wearing a Turban. The third an apache with an Eagle feather woven in his hair.

The Indian is rather glum and says, "once my people were many, but now we are few."

The Muslim puffs up and says, "once my people were few but now we are many millions".

The Texan adjusts his hat, finishes rolling a smoke, leans back in his chair and drawls, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.
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Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. A local man was murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives found him face down in the bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.
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The long term implications of current drugs, medical procedures & priorities over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's Disease research.

As a consequence the NIH now estimates that by the year 2030 there will be 40,000,000 people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other man takes out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The man's voice comes back on the line. He says, "O.K., now what?"
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A man walking along a beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Okay...you released me from the lamp...blah, blah, blah.

You get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly as I get a sick feeling within. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Also, think of how much concrete would be needed...how much steel!! No, you must think of another wish."

The man said, "Okay," and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care about them and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing,' know how to make them truly happy..."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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A newly deceased man, Ray, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy.

As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Marcus replies "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money."

They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous super model/centrefold.

Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women. Russell replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!!!"
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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that you mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about ?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME ?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.

"Well what is it, Mary?"

"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he
have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
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Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles, one big and one small, and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"
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Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:

"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says:

"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.

One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:

"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?". A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says:

"You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!!"
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The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted; except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student piped up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class broke up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responded, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
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Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use birth control."

The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven...and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."
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You sound a little stressed out there. Try this:

Stand with your legs slightly apart. Close your eyes. Think of blue skies, green fields and naked women. Try not to foam at the mouth. When you are serene and contemplative, slowly bend forward at the waist, bending, bending, completely limp and compliant. When your head arrives between your legs, just keep right on going. Ram your head right up your bum.

Now relax, you're where you belong.
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A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie.

"Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

"You're not rescued yet either."
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When my sister teased her five-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.

"No mommy, I do not!" she replied quite forcefully.

"Why not?" asked her mom.

"Because he's only interested in one thing," complained the child.

Shocked by this comment, my sister cautiously asked what that "one thing" might be.

"Pokemon cards, of course!!!" stated the girl.
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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.  Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy:  "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,  "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a catch."
The boy says,  "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks,  "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says,  "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost.  I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years".
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "This shows the town your bride is pure.

Still curious the lad goes to his father and asks,"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at the son in surprise.

Son, all domestic appliances are white"
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The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."

The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"

"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."
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One day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No, " George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder.

I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this.

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.... now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...

I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer
replied:

***** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT ****
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This is a perfect example of "good ole" American ingenuity.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important original document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly", said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy ..."


A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

Bartender: "That should make you happy."

The man: "No, the month is up today!"
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A travelling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Naval Aviator; Curious, he buys a ticket; The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring.

There, spot lit in the centre ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired Naval Aviator. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge shlong, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Naval Aviator is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Naval Aviator." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the centre ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. The Naval Aviator stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong. The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show."You're incredible," he tells the Naval Aviator. "But I have to know something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," says the Naval Aviator, "My eyes aren't What they used to be."
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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight over to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells -- in with the dings and out with the dongs." She then paused and wiped away a tear. "If the ice cream truck hadn't gone by, he'd still be alive today."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".
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Ferrari F1 Team Hires Lebo Pit Crew
The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole Pit-Crew to employ some young unemployed youth from the Bankstown - Lakemba Area. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youth in the Bankstown - Lakemba area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 sec without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage.

However Ferrari soon encountered a major problem not only were "da boyz" changing the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 sec they had resprayed, rebirthed and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team.
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.


A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

The husband asks for sex.

The wife says, "No."

Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

She responds, "Yes."

He says, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
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There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a gorgeous woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there's a kissing sound and then a "SLAP!"

The train comes out of the tunnel, and the woman and the Australian are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. He's thinking "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me." The lady is thinking, "That Kiwi must have gone to kiss me, kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."

The Australian is thinking to himself "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and smack that Kiwi in the head again."
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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me some Guiness because its good for me" He too gets his choice.

The Aussie guy from Carlton Breweries says "I'll have a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking VB?"

The Carlton Breweries guy replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I ...............
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Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy.

So the first guy promptly dropped his pants to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "you look ten years younger!"
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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up. and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward the bridge overpass piling, as she says, "is there anything you wanted?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
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A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world --- you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and I'll come and see you when we close up."

When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"

"That was the only one," said the young salesman.

"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth?"

"Two hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.

The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. "H... H... How did you manage that?!?"

"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a speargun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator. Oh, and floor mats."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"

"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket."

"A blanket?" "Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing......."
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An actual ad in the London Times.

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
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One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't tell me you've got a computer with internet access in there!"
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One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S & M magazine. This was very upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."
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The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with
just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.
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"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" questioned the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department. where he gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
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A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect -- 3-piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the fifth floor.

Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"
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One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, and I heard... ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!.......I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
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Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know....

Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....

Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, F???, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "B I T C. H."

"So, just exactly what is a B I T C H??????????" They ask in unison.

* B - BABE
* I - IN
* T - TOTAL
* C - CONTROL of
* H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you "B i t c h" ...SMILE...... and say Thank You!!!!!!!!
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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AMERICAN MOVIE RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.
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New Computer Virus:

This virus works on the honour system.

Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know.

Thank you for your cooperation.
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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION:See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed.

Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it.

Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
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Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he
finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then.

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"No," the lady yelled back, "It's a scarf!"
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For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million but 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and city government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just 2 people to do the work.

You and Me.

And you're sitting there reading this page !!
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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said "I realise that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
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"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"