Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit?
A Hare Cut.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between Jason and God?
God does not think he is Jason.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy: one wife too many.
Monogamy: same thing.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to fancy dress party, wearing nothing but a jam jar on his penis. A lady asked what he is, he says fireman... break glass, pull knob, I’ll come as fast as I can!
------------------------------------------------------------------
What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
------------------------------------------------------------------
If you eat something in a forest, and no one sees you... does it contain calories?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dick Smith and Big Kev are joining to buy Ansett. It will be called Big Dick, and they plan to chase all the Virgins.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two TV antennae were getting married .
The ceremony was shit.
But the reception was great.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes you are sad...
and no one sees you cry

Sometimes you are happy...
and no one sees you smile

But the times you fart, trust me...
people smell that.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed in the Irish cometary?
The recovered 850 bodies.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun whispers, " It's the cobblestones."
------------------------------------------------------------------
"A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red
My heads gone all wonky
Rumour has it
You're hung like a donkey!
------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
------------------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get you laundry done free.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton
------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the spider do in the computer?
He made a web page.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I have found at my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older... then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
------------------------------------------------------------------
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
------------------------------------------------------------------