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The 90's Male Sex Test
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1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
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a) Lovemaking
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b) Screwing
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c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
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2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
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a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
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b) Your blood-test results
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c) Five tequila slammers
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3. You time your orgasm so that:
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a) Your partner climaxes first
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b) You both climax simultaneously
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c) You don't miss SportsCenter
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4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
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a) Healthy, creative love-play
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b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
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c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
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5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
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a) The best part of the experience
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b) The second best part of the experience
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c) $100 extra
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6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
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a) No concern of yours
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b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
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c) A conservative estimate
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7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
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a) A myth
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b) An oxymoron
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c) A moron
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8. Foreplay is to sex as:
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a) Appetizer is to entree
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b) Priming is to painting
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c) A line is to an amusement park ride
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9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
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a) "I hope we can still be friends."
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b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
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c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
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10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
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a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
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b) Is uptight and a waste of time
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c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
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If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
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