Funny Quotes “On the one hand, men never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” - Bruce Willis “And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.’“ - George Burns “Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.” - Carmen Boyle, Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996 “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” - Sharon Stone “There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” - Henry Kissenger “My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.” - Steve Jobs “My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.” - Dan Rather “I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’” - Arnold Schwarzenegger “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” - Courtney Cox “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” - Tiger Woods “Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’”. - Patricia Arquette “I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” - Jerry Garcia “I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Axel Rose “Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” - Rev. Jesse Jackson “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” - Barbara Bush “Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” - Robin Williams “Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” - Roseanne “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” - Billy Crystal “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.” - Robert De Niro “In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?” - Hugh Grant “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” - Dustin Hoffman “When the sun comes up, I have morals again” - Elizabeth Taylor “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.’” - Jerry Seinfield “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” - Rod Stewart “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” - Robin Williams
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