Well, first of all, I have this really crap memory and can’t remember stuff very well. I should see a doctor about it, but I keep forgetting to make an appointment. Who knows, it might be ADD or something, but whenever I start reading about it on internet web sites I lose interest and get distracted. It could be really bad... could you just imagine having ADD and a bad stutter?

So anyway....

I went to a sex shop recently and bought myself a Palestinian inflatable doll. I got it home and the fucker blew itself up.

Then I went to a library in Balga to get a certain book out. He asked me for identification, and said that I had to prove that I lived in the area. So I mugged him and stole his car.

There’s all these suicide bombers these days. How do they even recruit suicide bombers? Do the bosses advertise, looking for highly qualified experienced people?
What about suicide bombers that are unhappy with their work conditions? Instead of going and blowing up their target, do that have a sit-in strike instead?
Is it just me or do you ever wonder if suicide bombers worry about passive cigarette smoke?
Or if they keep fit by exercising regularly?
Have a good superannuation scheme?
Worry about cancer or sexually transmitted diseases?
Worry about getting women pregnant and having to pay child support?
Do you think they buy Lotto tickets regularly?
Do they make sure that they have clean underwear on?

There’s a strong chocolate desert called Death By Chocolate. I really love chocolate, but I also really love sex... which is why I’d like to see a service at a brothel called “Death By Sex”.

Just before Christmas, a man was found in Latvia (near Russia) with a blood/alcohol level of 0.722, which most likely scores the world record. Now, at 0.30 the average person loses consciousness, and at 0.40 they stop breathing and die. And at almost twice that, this bloke was still alive at 0.722! How cool is that! As we all know, a well known party trick involves blokes lighting up their farts with a cigarette lighter. But this bloke had it made - why bother lighting farts when with that much booze in your system, you could light up your piss instead! Wanna light the BBQ? Just get this guy to take a piss and then chuck a match in. There’s that advert on TV where these Canadian guys write their names by pissing in the snow, but with a flame thrower like that between your legs, you could write your name anywhere you want to! You could go through an RBT station, blow into the breathalyser, and just watch the gadget overheat and blow up.

In other news, there was a report that a helicopter recently crashed in an Irish cemetery. Emergency services there have so far recovered over a thousand bodies.

I read that someone stole the toilet at the local police station. Police at this stage have nothing to go on.

More news.... medical scientists have almost finished developing a morning after pill for men. You take the pill the next day, and it changes your blood group.

A lot of people are on antidepressants these days. Heck, I know what would make me me happy whenever I’m feeling down - a big briefcase full of cash and a blow job each day.

I like to vandalise speed limit signs, so that the limits are increased. So when you see an 8 sign in a car park with a 1 in front of it, then that was me.

Ever notice the lack of Neighbourhood Watch signs at cemeteries?

They say that flying is safer than driving a car... bullshit, you ever tried driving a car to somewhere overseas? The car would sink... and you would drown!

I have this nasty streak in me - I like to get fake vegetarian meat and tease piranhas with it.

I got my phone bill today... again... I tell ya, anyone that reckons that we’ve got free speech in this country hasn’t met Telstra!

You remember that character, Thing, on The Adams Family? Do you think that when he has sex, he uses one of those tight fitting rubber medical gloves as a condom?

There’s always news reports about flooding somewhere.... that’s easy to fix.... fly a helicopter over... throw in a bunch of blue die... and then drop the the big one, a box of Maxi Pad Thins... And, am I the only one that has noticed the increase in tampon advertisements and the increase in droughts these days? Is there some sort of correlation there? Shouldn’t we at least have flood relief efforts that are sponsored by Tampax?

And all this stuff about global warming. The climate gets warmer, the arctic ice will melt, and sea levels will rise. So, who cares? You don’t need frequent scientific conferences to work out that all we need to do is drop the occasional Maxi pad into an ocean somewhere to get the water levels down again.

We’ve all seen and heard the warning at the start of a video movie, you know, the one that goes, “Have you ever bought or rented a video tape that wasn't quite right? It may have been a pirate copy, an illegal and inferior copy for which you paid good money. Pirate tapes rob studios and artists of their rightful income....”.

Now that we have all this genetic cloning, and I can see that we will need to have more warnings like that.

They’ve cloned sheep, and cloning cows will probably be next.

So we’ll go through MacDonalds and see warnings such as, “Have you ever bought a Big Mac that wasn’t quite right? It may have been an inferior pirate copy of a cow, for which you’ve paid good money. Cloned cows rob real cows of their rightful income...

Eventually we’ll have cloned humans. I can just see it now, you go to a brothel and see a sign that says, “Have you ever had sex with a prostitute that wasn’t quite right? She might have been a pirate or inferior prostitute....”

What about cannibals? Would a cloned human really count? If you have sex with a clone of yourself, is that just another form of masturbation? Would hair still grow on your palms?

If I was to eat a lot of junk food and then go travelling in areas where there are cannibal tribes, should I be wearing a t shirt that warns that I contact artificial flavouring and colouring? If a women has fake breast implants, should she also be wearing such a warning shirt?

What is it with streakers at sporting events? Why are streakers so fussy about where they streak? All they ever go to are football or soccer games. Why are they never at the olympics? Why are there never streakers at events such as javelin throwing? Shooting? Archery? Wrestling?

How do you keep your husband from reading your private e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

I was driving down the freeway the other night, when a friend rang me on my phone. She wanted to urgently warn me that there had been a news report that there was a car going the wrong way on that particular freeway.
“Bullshit!” I said. “It’s not just one car, it’s fucking all of them!”

Things to drop on Iraq:
There’s been all this fuss about war in Iraq, and endless debate about bombing them. We need to compromise on this whole bombing idea. There’s heaps of stuff that we can drop all over Iraq that will keep the macho military blokes happy, but still compromise with the peaceful types. Heck, I heard on TV recently that a B52 bomber can hold up to 27 tons of bombs! That’s a lot of space to be wasted on explosive bombs. Things that we could have dropped on Iraq instead:

- bouncy balls & chiropractors (for the resulting crook necks). And, instead of the SAS, we’d have the SCS - Special Chiropractic Service
- Playstation 2
- TV and VCR to tune
- slinky springs
- Ikea furniture... keep them busy for weeks... heck, it should be an olympic sport
- Rubik's Cubes (they get the book if they sign a peace accord)
- automated recorded message phone lines, keep them on the phone for days pressing 1 for an account balance or 2 to speak to an operator
- Aussie sheds, complete with beer fridges

Why is it that financial advisers haven’t all retired with their millions to some tax free tropical island?

If you have sex with a really, really, really ugly person in a forest, then did you really fuck ‘em?
If no, then does anyone know a really good forest?

Here in Australia, we don’t have the whole Halloween/door knocking/candy thing. Damn shame really, coz if we did have that then when kids came knocking at my door, I’m so fat that I could take my shirt off and they would give me candy!

They say that blondes have more fun. Bullshit, people are just more patient with them!

Heck, I’m not going to be rich... so courses about getting rich aren’t going to be all that helpful... what about courses that teach how to be happy and poor? Where are the courses on how to dodge paying that overdue Telstra bill?

If we really hate someone, then we wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire... but what if you see someone on fire, and only mildly dislike them. Does that mean that we would run over and piss on them?

It’s a high tech world, and in this high tech world we now have many forms of recorded messages. There’s the traditional answering machine, and now of course everyone’s got mobile phones with voicemail. But let’s face it, the average person hates talking to machines, and males in particular are even less inclined to leave a recorded message. Blokes just hang up. We will go to war, but we are terrified of leaving a simple 10 second recorded message. So we could use this to our advantage. Modern jails are overcrowded... crime against individuals is rampant... instead of putting criminal men in jail, we should punish them by sentencing them to leaving messages on voicemail every day.

When a bloke gets home, his dog goes nuts because no matter what, it’s rapt that he’s home. Why can’t they isolate this gene and make it into a tablet for women? That would give us world peace, instead of men going to war they wouldn’t bother because they would just want to go home. If your wife’s friends were over then they’d all also be really happy... which would make things really interesting!

To prevent adultery... get a waterbed... ever tried to hide under a waterbed?

Anyway, that’s it for me for now.... before I go, I'll quote a line from that infamous life philosopher, Kermit the Frog: “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

PerthComedy.com is owned and maintained by Phillip McGree
Phone: 0418 922 500
Perth, Western Australia